NFL Week 1 Summaries.

Broncos beat Ravens

Don't worry, Baltimore. At least you have an elite quarterback.

Patriots beat Bills

The Bills blow a lead against the Patriots for the first time since 2012.


Seahawks beat Panthers

Oh hey, defense is still a thing!

Bears beat Bengals

Chicago starts their season by outscoring the Cincinnati AJ Greens.

Dolphins beat Browns

Brandon Wheeden on pace to throw 0 INTs on opening day in 2016.

Lions beat Vikings

It's a good thing Minnesota didn't go after Alex Smith! Unless you prefer TDs to INTs.

Colts beat Raiders

Colts fans already forget how their management wanted to get rid of Reggie Wayne. Raiders fans wish they could forget their management, just in general.

Chiefs beat Jaguars

If a team gets a safety, but no one is around to watch it, does it still count for two points?

Saints beat Falcons

A game where the number of points scored is inversely proportional to the amount of offense played well.


Jets beat Buccaneers

Interesting: you CAN win games by not doing anything!

Titans beat Steelers

Oh hey, defense is still a thing! Or...is it just terrible offense? Hard to tell.


49ers beat Packers

Oh, ok! The Packers defense still sucks. Just checking. Also, you can avoid ejection if people like you enough, apparently.

Rams beat Cardinals

Fans excited their teams played well, but cry themselves to sleep remembering they're in the NFC West.

Cowboys beat Giants

People struggling to figure out how A) this game was so close, B) they scored 67 points, C) Eli is considered "elite."


Eagles beat Redskins

Vick plays well in his first of four games before succumbing to injury.

Texans beat Chargers

Don't call it a comeback! Or, wait, they were down by 21? Ok, yeah, call that a comeback.  (Also, remember when Brian Cushing was suspended for using PEDs? But football fans don't give a crap about PEDs?)