An oldy, but goody.
PITTSBURGH – In what can only be described as a shocking turn of events,
it has been revealed that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben
Roethlisberger does not refer to his penis as "Big Ben," something that
many guys are calling stupid or lame.
The news comes in a time of relative peace and quiet for the
womanizing NFL star. After getting heat with accusations of sexual
assault over a year ago, the quarterback overcame the odds and began
treating women with respect.
“He was trying so hard on the field,” a close friend of
Roethlisberger explained. “He had the worst Super Bowl performance of a
winning QB of all time against Seattle. And he was only solid in the
last Super Bowl. He has been trying to overcompensate lately.”
Which is precisely what got him into trouble. In a survey conducted
by Women Against Steeler Penises, a feminist group stationed in nearby
Bethel Park, most women said that Roethlisberger’s penis is smaller than
his last name in size 12 New Times Roman font.
“Really, it makes sense that he had assaulted women,” said the head
of WASP Miriam Anglepoint. “He overcompensates on the field, why
wouldn’t he overcompensate at the bars?”
Anglepoint, skeptical of the Super Bowl champion’s reformation,
hired a private detective to explore his change of heart. At a local
night club, the detective – a woman – flirted like there was two minutes
left in the game. In a surprise move, Big Ben didn’t touch the dick.
However, it was at this point that the classified information came.
After the PI turned to leave, she overheard Roethlisberger talking to a
buddy. According to the detective, he had leaned over and said, “I would
have loved to show her my Ras-hard Man-denhall and do it up her Heinz
Field!”
Roethlisberger could not be reached for clarification regarding the
comment. Appearing to have cleaned up his act, the incident brings
questions of his character back to the foreground. Further complicating
the issue is the question of why he refers to his junk as his
“Man-denhall.”
“It just doesn’t make sense,” said Richard Pubebody, penis
nicknaming expert. “Why on earth would he not call his shaft ‘Big Ben’? “
Doing so would have just made things more simple for the Pro Bowl
quarterback, according to Pubebody. Though pick up lines for the Steeler
great are inherently endless, - “Check out my LaHard Woodey,” “I’ll
Pola-maul-you,” “I’m great in the pocket,” and the popular “Don’t worry
if my protection breaks down: I’m great on the move” have all been used
by the all star – there is one glaring pick up line he hasn’t used:
“When the cock strikes ten, you’ll see Big Ben.”
An insider for the Pittsburgh Steelers has confirmed that his Lombardi trophy is slightly curved. It’s totally normal.
The recent information leak has hindered his reputation among cool
guys, though women are mostly riding a high of not being sexually
assaulted for a change.
Roethlisberger battled an ankle injury in Pittsburgh’s thrilling
14-3 victory over the heavily favored Cleveland Browns on Thursday
night. Now he has to overcome a different agony in his every day life.
“Look, he’s a married man now,” said a family friend. “He’s got a
three rings, and one of them is legit! He went from zero to 90 so
quickly. Now he’s crashing. It’s a mental motorcycle for him right now.”
It comes as a surprise to many fans that Roethlisberger lacks the
wit to refer to his Johnson as Big Ben, but for the youngest quarterback
to win a Super Bowl, it is not as disappointing as the nickname
Anglepoint hopes will catch on: Crotchlesspervert.
However, it is not too late for Roethlisberger to make the necessary
changes. Should he do so, there may be a happy ending for him after
all. Like all things the captain does, he is at his best in the final
two minutes.
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